Clarice James

Smart, Fun, Relatable Fiction

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bad-hair-dayLet your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person. ~ Colossians 4:6 ESV

A while back, I got some interesting reactions to my Facebook post, which read, “First, why don’t women check the back of their hair before going to church? Second, could my noticing this trend be the start of my new ministry?”

Although it was meant to bring a chuckle, it got me to thinking. When is it appropriate to point out a faux pas or oddity? In ninety seconds flat, I thought I had a sound two-prong theory.

1) It IS acceptable to say something if you believe the person is NOT aware of the situation.

2) It is NOT acceptable to speak up if you believe the person IS aware.

Sounds simple, huh? Upon further review, I discovered simple isn’t always easy.

Let’s take the case of the woman with the church-hair in the front and bed-head in the back. I don’t think she knows, so I should tell her, right? Not so fast.  Ask yourself a few questions. Does her hair-do complement her wrinkled wardrobe? A style of her own, maybe? Or, is her half-hearted comb-out the end result of getting a passel of kids to church on time? Think before you stop her in the foyer and hand her a comb.

I’ve come up with some additional Church Courtesy Guidelines to help in these awkward situations.

What’s on Your Face? Feel free to point out milk mustaches, chin drippings, and spinach in teeth — but not tea stains or tartar. Yes to boogers, but no to moles.

When It Comes to Kids: When children are noisy in church, don’t turn around and give their parents an evil eye. We can learn from their joyful noises!


Comb-overs: Seriously, a comb-over doesn’t happen by accident. It involves the skill of a weaver, firm-hold hair spray, and an extra half hour.  Look away and keep silent.

Hairpieces: Say nothing unless the hair piece is flipped up in the back or on backwards. I’ll let your relationship determine what you say and where you say it.

in my pew

Conversation: Do not verbally correct a statement made by someone, especially if you’re not part of the conversation. If someone mispronounces a word or uses incorrect grammar, just snicker and correct them mentally.

Pew Etiquette: When someone is sitting in your usual pew, let them figure it out for themselves. Tip: It’ll go quicker if you hover over them and glare.

Accidental Accessories: Yes to saying something about the glob of food on front of their blouse and the toilet paper stuck to their shoe or tucked in the waistband of their pants. However, you might want to hold off mentioning a wedgie.

Singing Voices: Sometimes voices are off key and loud. Leave these people alone—me included. God’s perfect hearing has a motive filter.

pats fan_300_225_90 (1)

Clothing Issues: Although not a huge deal, it might be helpful to mention the ripped seam in a congregant’s slacks, their inside-out sweater, mismatched footwear, or hem coming undone. But, unless you’re in leadership, say nothing about sports team jerseys and hats. You could get booed or beat up.

Make-up: This can be tricky. What you may think is too much make-up may not be too much for them. Unless the lipstick is on her teeth and magnetic eyelashes stuck to her braces, I’d ignore it.

However, if your comments are sincere, a person may be grateful. As proof, I give you this conversation with my ten-year-old grandson, Max:

Max, greeting me with a chin-nod: “Hi. So, what’s with all the make-up?”

Me, searching for my compact mirror: “I always wear make-up.”

Max, chuckling: “Yeah, but this time you’ve got way more on one eye than the other.”

Me, frazzled: “Why thank you, sweetie, for pointing that out. I love you too.”

On the Other Hand: Maybe I should take advantage of every chance I get to keep my mouth shut … and maybe my eyes.

Though I am free and belong to no one, I have made myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God’s law but am under Christ’s law), so as to win those not having the law. To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all people so that by all possible means I might save some.  I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings.

~ 1 Corinthians 9:19-23 NIV



Arranged Marriages On the Rise in America

Arranged MarraigeAfter being widowed for a season, the idea of remarrying surfaced. You probably noticed I used the word “remarrying” rather than “getting out there,” seeing someone,” and/or “dating.”

Not that I planned to marry the first man who came along. Sheesh, I’m not that silly. I just wanted the first man who came along to be the man I wanted to marry. Made sense to me. Yet it took eight years of being single for me to realize that, no matter how hard I tried, God would not be rushed. 

During my impatient years [No wise remarks from those who know me well!], I discovered there is a big difference between the male and female’s thought process in the early stage of a relationship (or in any stage for that matter). I conducted my own simple, albeit non-scientific survey. To keep the playing field level, I chose single people of all ages from both sexes and asked them the exact same questions.

My questions required a simple “yes” or “no” answer.  Here are the questions:

  1. Do you know what a hope chest is?
  2. Have you ever googled a person’s name right before or after the first date?
  3. Have you ever paired your name with their name to see how it looks and sounds?
  4. Have you ever used Google Maps/Street View to look at a potential date’s house?
  5. Do you wonder what your friends will say about how they dress?
  6. Have you picked a church for your wedding?
  7. Do you try on engagement rings periodically?
  8. Have you ever tried on a bridal gown or a tux?
  9. Have you thought about where you want to live after you’re married?
  10. Do you have your bridesmaids and/or ushers picked out?
  11. Do you check out their Facebook photos to see if they were ever paired with someone better looking than you?
  12. Have you decided where you’ll spend the holidayswith your family or theirs?
  13. Have you ever dreamed about owning and filling a minivan?
  14. Have you considered how soon you can change his or her wardrobe?
  15. After you first visited your significant other’s home, did you make a list of what needed to go and sign up for HGTV design tips?

Here are the results of the survey:

  • All the women answered “yes” to all questions.
  • All the men answered “no” to all questions.

Here’s what the overall study revealed:

  • Arranged marriages still exist in today’s society. They’re just arranged by the bride-to-be instead of her parents.

Surprise weddingWhat was it like in my case before I remarried? David (now my husband), was quicker than most. He caught on when, on our way to an event one day, I said, “By the way, if anyone says ‘Congratulations’, just thank them and go with it, okay?”


“One day her mother-in-law Naomi said to Ruth, ‘My dear daughter, isn’t it about time I arranged a good home for you so you can have a happy life? And isn’t Boaz our close relative, the one with whose young women you’ve been working? Maybe it’s time to make our move. Tonight is the night of Boaz’s barley harvest at the threshing floor. Take a bath. Put on some perfume. Get all dressed up and go to the threshing floor. But don’t let him know you’re there until the party is well under way and he’s had plenty of food and drink. When you see him slipping off to sleep, watch where he lies down and then go there. Lie at his feet to let him know that you are available to him for marriage. Then wait and see what he says. He’ll tell you what to do.’ Ruth said, ‘If you say so, I’ll do it, just as you’ve told me.’ She went down to the threshing floor and put her mother-in-law’s plan into action.” ~ Ruth 3:1-6 (MSG)