Clarice James

Smart, Fun, Relatable Fiction


11 Comments

If My Ears Could Talk . . .

women with finger in ear

For at least sixteen years, I’d been using the same medication for an allergy that made my ears itch like crazy. All I did was put a few drops on a cotton swab and run it around the outermost inside of my ear.

When I moved out of state, I had to see a new doctor before I could get a refill. After she checked my ears, our conversation went something like this:

DOCTOR: “Open your mouth wide and say, ‘Ahh’.”

ME: “Ahh.”

DOCTOR, after shining her light and depressing my tongue: “So how many drops do you put in each ear and how often?” She turned away to jot down some notes.

My mind curled into a ball of confusion. Drops? In each ear? For the first time—in SIXTEEN years—I thought about that bottle. It did have that tiny hole at the end of its long neck—just the right shape to put in my ear. I’d never noticed. I went dumb.

When the doctor turned around, she laughed. Not only had I not answered her question, but my mouth was still wide open.

DOCTOR, still laughing: “You’re funny.”

ME, pretending I was doing it on purpose: “Liked that, huh?”

DOCTOR: “So how many drops and how often?”

ME: “Well, depends on what you mean by drops. A couple. Maybe. Not that often. Sometimes. A month or two.” I did not answer well.

DOCTOR, looking at me suspiciously: “You’re not sticking anything smaller than your elbow in your ear, are you?”

ME: “No, if anything, I’m conscientious about warnings.” I just don’t read directions.

DOCTOR: “Good. Here’s your prescription.”

PS: Whaddya know? Putting drops in my ears allows me to use them less often.

Fast forward three years. I’m in my office downstairs in the middle of writing a scene. My ears start to itch, but my drops are all the way upstairs. I look around my desk. A shiny, metal paperclip looks like a promising medical instrument. I half-unfold it and carefully stick the smaller, rounded end into my ear and scratch. “Aaaah.” My itch is relieved and no one is the wiser.

I go to remove the clip, but it hooks on a part of my ear I can’t see. (I can’t see any part of my ear, but you get what I’m saying.) I try again, but fail. I twist, it catches. I reverse the twist, it pinches. I pull, it sticks me.

For a while I just sit there breathing quietly with the paper clip sticking straight out of my ear. If only I can get my ear to relax, I think, the clip will fall out. How do you relax an ear? Listen to Yanni?

The doctor’s words taunt me, “You’re not sticking anything smaller than your elbow in your ear, are you?” I make an ugly face at the memory of her.

I climb the stairs and prepare to humiliate myself in front of my husband—who would never do anything this stupid because he is an engineer who reads and follows all directions.

HUSBAND, when he sees my face: “What’s wrong?”

ME, now crying, not out of pain but embarrassment: “I haa a prclip stck in m er.”

HUSBAND: “What did you say?”

ME: “I said, I HAVE A PAPER CLIP STUCK IN MY EAR!”

HUSBAND, sighing [pfft] like I do this kind of stuff all the time: “Come here. Let me see.” He performs the delicate surgical procedure and removes the offending object. Then he informs me that I pulled so hard I pierced the inside of my ear.

So, whaddya think? Earring or no earring?paper clib earring

Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.” ~ Isaiah 30:21 (NIV)

For the time will come when people will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear.  They will turn their ears away from the truth and turn aside to myths. ~ 2Timothy 4:3-4 (NIV)

Advertisements


16 Comments

God Didn’t Make Me No Ballerina

3 Great Danes I dont know3How beautiful your sandaled feet, O prince’s daughter! Your graceful legs are like jewels, the work of an artist’s hands.~ Song of Solomon 7:1 (NIV)

Graceful. Not a word ever used to describe me. Don’t believe me? I can show you the bruises.

I used to believe my lack of athleticism and coordination could be reversed. One day it hit me. God didn’t make me no ballerina. I’m okay with that. Most of the time. Until I’m in the presence of graceful people—which I was while recently visiting in-laws.

My husband’s sister and her husband [I shall refer to them herewith as “Darleen” and “Peter.”] are gracious hosts and lovely people. (Well, Darleen is lovely, Peter is blessed—and he knows it.)

Now, Darleen and Peter are ballroom dancers. I think they’re the inspiration for the Lladro dancers collection. Okay, not really, but you get the picture.  

Darleen is thin and tall–just over 6 feet. Peter is thin and taller. My husband David is not as thin, but the tallest. I am short and chubby. When all three of them sit on the furniture their feet touch the floor at the same time. My legs stick out straight–unless I sit on the edge of my seat and pretend they’re telling an exciting story.

As a former model, Darleen has perfect posture and walks like she’s floating on wisps of air. No matter how soft I tried to tip-toe, every time I entered a room, the crystal in their cabinets jangled. When Darleen poses for pictures, she angles one leg in front of the other and it looks natural. I tried that once and fell over. Even the way she moves her hands is graceful. She could hand me a used tissue, and I would feel blessed.

So, you can see why I was mortified when this happened. The four of us returned home from lunch out, entering through their garage. I was first to the back door. (What I lack in grace, I attempt to make up in speed.) Unfortunately, I underestimated the height of the step and tripped. Falling in a heap, I landed with a thud on an area rug just inside the door.3 Great Danes I dont know4

It knocked the wind out of me, I tell ya. I couldn’t speak. But I could hear the tall ones conversing: “Where’d she go?” “She fell.” “Is she okay.” “What happened?” “Don’t know.” “I can’t reach her.” “Let me see.” Their mutual height had blocked their view. (I should have seen that as God’s grace at work, but missed it at the time.)

Embarrassed, I laughed it off and tried to get up. Instead, like a clumsy, chubby Pug, I pawed and scrabbled at the rug–which kept slipping and sliding beneath me atop the shiny wood floor.

Question. Is it possible to re-fall when you haven’t gotten up yet? If so—as the trio of sleek, graceful Great Danes looked down from above—I re-fell twice. [Sigh to the 3rd power.]

Has anything like this ever happened to you? Tell me about it. Make me feel better. Please.

PS: Darleen and Peter, thanks for a most memorable trip. 😉 Love you both.

 


5 Comments

Ego Deflate Gate

brush stuckWords not often used to describe me: Graceful and genius. Am I okay with it? I have to be. I’ve proved it o’er and o’er.

Years ago, while getting ready for a lunch date with some friends, I decided my style could use a boost. I planted myself in front of the bathroom mirror with my new electric styling brush, then grabbed a clump of hair.

At first, while trying to manipulate the brush, I blamed my awkwardness on being left-handed. But after I rolled my hair in the wrong direction, I realized my reflection was the problem—it was not cooperating with my brain.

In an effort to correct my error, I tried to unroll the brush. That was my second mistake. Or was it my third? In either case, now it was rolled so tight it was burning my scalp.  [Ah, some of you have done this, haven’t you?] After a Mississippi minute (on a mid-August day), I was smart enough to unplug it.

The styling tool of the century was stuck in my hair. Stuck good. I tried to untangle it for an hour—okay, maybe it just seemed like an hour—until the strength in my arms gave up.

Stalling for time I didn’t have, I stared at myself, pondering whether the curling brush was actually hanging on the left side of my head or the right. Did it really matter? Denial had set in.

I thought about letting it hang there as an accessory. No, too big. I thought about wearing a hat. Still too big. I thought about telling my friends the truth. Not a chance.

I reached for the scissors and cut.

My friends never said a word–even when I used one hand to eat and the other to hold my comb-over in place.

PS: Stayed tuned. I’ll tell you how I unintentionally pierced the inside of my ear with a paper clip.

“Friends, this world is not your home, so don’t make yourselves cozy in it. Don’t indulge your ego at the expense of your soul. Live an exemplary life among the natives so that your actions will refute their prejudices. Then they’ll be won over to God’s side and be there to join in the celebration when he arrives.” ~ 1 Peter 2:11-12 (MSG)


11 Comments

Which Character Would You Like to See in My Next Book?

I’ve been saving some character sketches for my next novel. I need your help. Which one (or ones) of the five characters below do you want to learn more about in my next novel?

1.  USED FOREIGN AUTO DEALER FROM MISSISSIPPI:

Besides having a serious lisp, USED FOREIGN AUTO DEALER has three daughters named Shelby, Solara, and Sienna. And naming his sons Yugo and Yukon was not without its challenges. The name Yugo turned out to be a name-fulfilling prophecy, for even in his adult years the kid wasn’t a self-starter and seldom went the distance. Yukon was more industrious. He patterned his life after Sergeant Preston of the Royal Canadian Mounties from the 1950’s TV series. Yukon patrolled the wilds of Fayette, Mississippi, population 1,604, on his horse Rex with his faithful dog Fayette King, battling both the elements and criminals. He shared a few rooms with Yugo, Rex and King in his father’s basement.

 RCMP and King
2.  BUCKET LIST WOMAN: [In case you’ve been living in a bomb shelter since 1955, a bucket list is a description of the things you want to do before you die.]

The first item on BUCKET LIST WOMAN’S list is to finally try Popeye’s Chicken. The second item is to find a good home for sixty pairs of shoes that never did fit her, most of which had belonged to a dead woman she had never met. Third on the list, win the storage war against her plastic storage containers.

 messy storage
3.  IMPORT DEALER HUNTING FOR A VACATION HOME:

IMPORT DEALER from Lawrence, Massachusetts, looking to buy a vacation home in Columbia, South America close to his suppliers. It has to be near the beach, have an airstrip, and have bullet-proof glass–you know, to eliminate the noise from the airstrip.

 1268236358_top-10-drug-kingpins_flash
4.  EAR CANDLER: 

Within the cosmetology profession, her specialty was ear candling. In what moment in time did EAR CANDLER decide on ear candling as her major? How did this fascination with ears and their wax build-up begin? What was the pivotal moment? And were her parents proud as peacocks?

 shrek
5.  FATALEST PHILATELIST:

Thirty years ago, the FATALEST PHILATELIST could depend on a good stack of envelopes in his mail each day. Rummaging through the post office trash bins had been a lucrative sideline, too. He’d found some of his most precious and valuable stamps at the yard sales of the elderly. However, with the coming of email, his fate was sealed.

Submit your vote and I’ll choose the winner!

Just as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form one body, so it is with Christ. For we were all baptized by one Spirit so as to form one body—whether Jews or Gentiles, slave or free—and we were all given the one Spirit to drink. Even so the body is not made up of one part but of many. ~ 1Co 12:12-14 (NIV)

 no email