When I utter this specific string of five words, I see the fear in my husband’s eyes, I hear it in his voice, and, I swear, I smell it oozing from his pores. The words in themselves are innocuous; it’s what they represent that scares him.
Some husbands panic at “We have car insurance, right?” Others tremble at “Mother’s coming for a visit!” And a few quake at “Honey, I think I’m pregnant.”
Not my husband. First, he doesn’t let me drive that often. Second, my mom won’t leave home for more than three hours at a time. And, third, we’ve decided to wait to have kids.
[That’s a joke for those who are looking at my profile photo and wondering if I’m delusional.]
“What could those words possibly be?” you ask. The five little words that strike fear in my husband’s heart are . . .
“Hey, I have an idea!”
He tries to hide the terror, but his subtle body language tells me otherwise: the slumping shoulders, the eye-twitching, the convulsing, the hand slapping his forehead, or his head banging against the wall. He thinks I don’t notice, but I’m observant, if nothing else.
I don’t know what his problem is. My “hey-I-have-an-idea” ideas have been good ones, if I do say so myself.
- Rent out our house to friends while it was on the market. [Okay, so placing huge couches in front of the fireplace and front door wasn’t the best staging strategy.]
- Begin an online publishing syndicate. [I admit working twelve hours a day and watching $13,000 go down the cyber drain was not the most fun we’ve had.]
- Create an art piece to draw attention to our living room’s cathedral ceiling. [Can you believe he took issue with lifting and hanging my 4-foot by 8-foot masterpiece built of wood, tile, and stone?]
- Start Party of One, A Fellowship for Those Tired of Dining Alone. [Some found it unusual that I asked my husband of four years if I could start a group for singles. Who knew?]
- Initiate a marketing campaign for my fellow literary clients—all 154 of them. [Sheesh. All I asked him to do was take pictures of the books individually on our bookshelf; size the photos; create individual Facebook cover photo banners; Photoshop e-books into the bookshelf; and, oh, create the nonexistent book spines for these e-books.]
Hmm . . . Hey, I have an idea!
Since my husband is so good at executing my ideas, I think I’ll make him a nice meal today before he executes me or, worse, gets any of his own ideas about that singles group.
Actual size of wall hanging: 4′ x 8′